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为什么我们需要亲密的朋友(以及一份交友指南)

How to Have Closer Friendships (and Why You Need Them)
为什么我们需要亲密的朋友(以及一份交友指南)

Like so many people, I grew up watching the TV show “Friends,” dreaming of the day I would be living a glamorous city life surrounded by a group of close friends. Over the years, I’ve made lots of friends: childhood friends, work friends, college friends, writer friends. I have friends who like to hike, and friends who like to chat over coffee and friends who live far away but whom I talk to a few times a year.

和许多人一样,我是看着电视剧《老友记》(Friends)长大的,梦想着有一天我也能和一群亲密朋友一起过着迷人光鲜的城市生活。这些年来,我交了很多朋友:儿时朋友、工作朋友、大学朋友、作家朋友。我有喜欢远足的朋友,有喜欢边喝咖啡边聊天的朋友,还有距离很远但每年都要聊几次的朋友。

But close friends? “Friends” level friends? The “I can tell you anything and count on you always” kind of friends? Not so much. A childhood friend and I had a falling-out, never to be repaired. Another close friend moved away.

但亲密的朋友?《老友记》里的朋友?那种“我可以告诉你任何事并且可以永远信赖你”的朋友?并没多少。我曾和一位发小闹翻,再也没能和好。还有一位密友搬了家。
 

In groups of adults, you often hear some form of this complaint: It’s hard to make friends as an adult. And if, for whatever reason, you don’t stay connected to your childhood or college friends, you can end up in your 30s (or 40s, or 50s) knowing a lot of people, but being close to very few of them.

在一群成年人中,你经常听到这样的抱怨:成年人很难交到朋友。不管出于什么原因,如果你没能和你在童年或大学时的朋友保持联系,你可能在30多岁(或40多岁,或50多岁)的时候认识很多人,能亲近的却很少。

Do we even need close friendships?

我们真的需要亲密友谊吗?


When you’re overworked and overwhelmed, the motivation to have dinner with a friend versus turning on Netflix and eating pizza with your spouse can be hard to summon. But the research is clear: Close friendships are necessary for optimal health and well-being.

当你劳累过度、不堪重负时,比起与伴侣吃着披萨看Netflix,你恐怕没多少心情与朋友共进晚餐。但研究表明:亲密友谊对理想的健康和幸福是必要的。

“We are social and communal creatures,” said Serena Chen, a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley. “When we are intimate with another person, we can experience positive mental and physical reactions in our body, mind and heart.”

“我们是社会性和群体性的动物,”加州大学伯克利分校(University of California, Berkeley)的社会心理学家、心理学教授赛琳娜·陈(Serena Chen,音)说。“当我们与另一个人关系亲密,就能在身体、思想和心灵中体验到积极的心理和生理反应。”

Dr. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and a neuroscientist and the author of “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love,” has studied humans and animals as a way to understand human bonding. “Social connections are the most powerful way for us to regulate our emotional distress,” Dr. Levine said. “If you are in distress, being in proximity to someone you’re securely attached to is the most effective way to calm yourself.”

精神病学家、神经科学家和《依恋:成人依恋的新科学及其如何帮助你找到并保存爱情》(Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love)的作者阿米尔·列文(Amir Levine)博士通过研究人类和动物来理解人类之间的关系。“社会关系是我们调节情绪困扰的最有效方式,”列文说。“如果你正感到困扰,亲近一个让你觉得安全的人,是让自己平静下来的最有效办法。”

What exactly does closeness mean?

亲密到底意味着什么?


If you look to popular culture to understand close friendship, you’ll be left with a few common tropes: the friend who will take a bullet for you; the friend you can call in the middle of the night and they’ll be there for you, no matter the inconvenience; the friend with whom you can share anything.

如果你想从流行文化中了解亲密的友谊,你会遇到一些常见的比喻:可以为你挡子弹的朋友;你可以在半夜打电话给他们,不管有什么不便他们也都会陪伴你的朋友;你可以与之分享任何事的朋友。

True close friendship (unsurprisingly) does not need to be quite as extreme. “A key to close friendship is intimacy, and a big part of intimacy is being able to be fully yourself and be seen and understood by others,” Dr. Chen said. “When people close to us don’t ‘get’ us, it’s undermining to intimacy.”

真正亲密的友谊(不出所料)并不需要那么极端。“亲密友谊的关键在于亲密,而亲密的关键在于能够做完全的自己,并被人看到和理解,”赛琳娜·陈说。“当我们亲近的人无法‘理解’我们,亲密的关系就会被破坏。”

Reciprocation is also a key element to creating intimacy. Dr. Chen explained why all the people you know on Facebook or Instagram don’t necessarily count as close friends: “When we post something on Facebook and people give us affirmation in the way of nice comments or encouragement, that feels good, but it doesn’t necessarily create intimacy because there’s no give and take.” A big part of intimacy is that both people feel they are seen and understood by the other person.

回报也是创造亲密关系的关键因素。赛琳娜·陈解释了为什么你在Facebook或Instagram上认识的人不一定能算亲密朋友:“当我们在Facebook发布内容,而人们留下了善意评论或鼓励肯定我们,这是让人感觉很好,但并不一定能建立亲密关系,因为没有你来我往。”亲密的一个重要部分就是双方都觉得对方能看到并理解自己。

If being close to others is so beneficial, shouldn’t it come naturally?

如果与人亲近有这么多好处,那这种关系不该是自然而然形成的吗?


If close friendships really are vital to human well-being, it would seem that we would be intuitively skilled at making them. But it turns out that the opposite may be true: Close friendships are so important to us because they are so difficult to form.

如果亲密友谊对人类幸福真的如此至关重要,那么我们似乎该凭直觉就能很好地创造这种关系。但事实可能恰恰相反:亲密友谊对我们之所以如此重要,正是因为它们很难建立。

According to John Cacioppo, a social neuroscientist who specialized in the study of loneliness (he died in 2018), humans would have evolved a built-in bias against easily making friends because avoiding an enemy would have been more important than making a friend. “If I make an error and detect a person as a foe who turns out to be a friend, that’s O.K., I don’t make the friend as fast, but I survive,” Dr. Capiocco said in a 2017 interview in The Atlantic. “But if I mistakenly detect someone as a friend when they’re a foe, that can cost me my life. Over evolution, we’ve been shaped to have this bias.”

研究孤独感的社会神经学家约翰·卡奇奥波(John Cacioppo,他于2018年去世)认为,人类天生就不喜欢轻易交朋友,因为规避敌人比交朋友更重要。“如果我犯了一个错误,把一个其实是朋友的人当做了敌人,那也没关系,我没那么快交上朋友,但起码我能保命,”卡奇奥波在2017年接受《大西洋月刊》(The Atlantic)的采访时表示。“但如果我误把敌人当作朋友,那就可能付出生命的代价。在进化的过程中,我们被塑造出了这样的偏见。”

In the modern world, that tension is more nuanced. “There is a longstanding debate in the sociology community about what humans want more: to be admired or known,” Dr. Chen said. She explained that admiration came with a lot of perks: It feels good, it has social benefits, there may be status and even financial gains to be had. But being admired and seen in ways that don’t line up with how we actually see ourselves — perhaps not as confident and successful as others think we are — can come at the cost of feeling understood by and close to others.

而在现代社会,这种紧张关系变得更加微妙。“社会学领域长期存在的一个争论,就是人类更想要什么:被人赞赏还是被人了解,”赛琳娜·陈说。她解释称,赞赏会带来很多好处:让人感觉良好,给人社会利益,或许还会有地位乃至经济上的收益。但若是被人赞赏和看待的方式与我们实际看待自己的方式不一致——也许我们并不像别人以为的那样自信和成功——由此可能付出的代价是让你觉得不被理解,与他人不亲近。

Culturally we are also more focused on career success, financial accomplishments and family milestones than we are on connection with others. Sue Johnson, one of the leading psychologists in the fields of bonding, attachment and romantic relationships, and the founder of the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, pointed out that when someone lists his or her life goals (or even New Year’s resolutions), rarely does making close friends or getting closer to existing friends get mentioned.

从文化传统来讲,我们也更关注事业成功、财务成就和家庭重要事件,而不是与他人的联系。苏·约翰逊(Sue Johnson)是情感联结、依恋和浪漫关系领域的顶尖心理学家之一,也是卓越情感疗法国际中心(International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy)的创始人,她指出,当一个人列出他或她的人生目标(或者哪怕是新年立志)时,很少会提到结交亲密朋友或与现有朋友更亲近。

“When it comes to friendship, we put quantity over quality, so it becomes a question of how many people will show up to your birthday party,” she said. “The real question is if you can open up and be vulnerable with a few of these folks. Are you willing to tune in emotionally and respond if they reach for you?”

“谈到友谊,我们更看重数量而不是质量,所以问题就变成了会有多少人来参加你的生日派对,”她说。“但真正的问题在于,你是否能敞开心扉,对其中一些友人表露你的脆弱。如果他们找你倾诉,你又是否愿意在情绪上配合并做出回应?”

5 ways to make your friendships closer

五种方法,让你们的友情更亲密


If you want closer friendships, the first step is to decide you’re going to do something about it. “We think about relationships as things that happen to us, but the truth is that we make them happen,” Dr. Johnson said. Getting closer to your existing friends requires making the time and being intentional.

Once you have determined to work on your friendships, here are five techniques to try.

1. Create a foundation of security (hint: Answer that text)

1. 创建安全关系的基础


Before we can attempt closeness, we need to have security. Through his research, Dr. Levine has identified the five foundational elements of secure relationships, which he refers to as CARRP.

在尝试亲密的关系之前,我们需要安全感。列文博士确定了安全关系的五个基本要素:

Consistency (Do these friends drift in and out of my life on a whim?)

连贯性(这些朋友会一时兴起地进入和退出我的生活吗?)

Availability (How available are they to spend time together?)

可获得性(他们能经常与我共度时光吗?)

Reliability (Can I count on them if I need something?)

可靠性(如果需要,我可以依赖他们吗?)

Responsiveness (Do they reply to my emails and texts? Do I hear from them on a consistent basis?)

响应力(他们会回复我的邮件和短信吗?他们会经常联络我吗?)

Predictability (Can I count on them to act in a certain way?)

可预测性(我能指望他们来做某些事吗?)

Once these five elements are in place, it can pave the way to a deeper connection. “From an attachment perspective, once we feel safe, we can start being more adventurous and playful, which helps us at work, raising our kids, in every aspect of our lives,” Dr. Levine said.

That doesn’t mean that you have to respond to texts within the hour, but it does mean that you need to create a baseline of responsiveness and availability so your friends feel secure in your friendship. Likewise, if you have friends who are flaky, unresponsive or unreliable, it will serve you to try to see if they can become more CARRP and if not, look to other people for close friendship.

“We often tell ourselves that we shouldn’t care if somebody cancels plans or we can’t count on them, that we should be more laid back and stop being so needy, but that’s the same as fighting against biology,” Dr. Levine said.

2. Pay close attention

2. 密切关注


The next step of creating close friendships is to just open your eyes. Humans have a unique ability to read emotions by mimicking subtle facial expressions.

张开眼睛。当你的朋友跟你分享他的生活时,看着他,全心倾听。这将产生一种心理上的联结感,增进你们的感情。

“Intimacy starts with attention and attunement,” Dr. Johnson said. “When you look at somebody with your full attention, your face muscles start to mirror their facial muscles within milliseconds. If you aren’t giving them your full attention, you can miss it completely.”

This mimicry helps us empathize with the emotional experiences of the other person. The next time you’re with a friend who is sharing something about his or her life, Dr. Johnson suggested that you look that person in the face and give your full attention. This will create a psychological sense of connection. “As bonding mammals built for connection, this makes our nervous systems hum,” she said.

3. Let yourself be known

3. 让自己被了解


If you want to be seen for who you are, you have to be willing to stop pretending to be somebody cooler or smarter than you are. Admit that you binge watch “Honey Boo-Boo,” are jealous of other people’s accomplishments or don’t always brush your teeth before bed. Make that goofy joke. Share that less-than-flattering detail.

如果想让别人认识到真正的自己,你必须停止假装自己是一个更酷的人,或更聪明的人。承认自己也会嫉妒他人;并不是每天睡觉前都会刷牙;开个愚蠢的笑话;分享那些不讨人喜欢的细节。只有你充分理解和接受你自己,才有可能让别人也来理解并接受你。获得亲密关系的唯一方法就是,更诚实地面对自己。

“You have to try to help people understand and accept you, which conversely means you have to understand and accept yourself enough that you believe you can make somebody else’s life brighter just by being in it,” said Donald Miller, author of “Scary Close: Dropping the Act and Finding True Intimacy.”

In his 40s, Mr. Miller said, he had a successful career as an author and public speaker and an audience that adored him, but lived without true intimacy in his life. Determined to connect with others, he learned that the only way to get the intimacy he was searching for was to start being more honest about who he was.

Helping people understand and accept you may sound intimidating, but getting started is easier than you think. Dr. Levine suggests that the next time you’re with a friend, start diverting the conversation into exposing more vulnerability. When your friend responds in a way that feels supportive, give positive feedback by saying how helpful that was, or what a good perspective your friend has on your situation.

4. Take your friends on a test drive

4. 给你的朋友一个小测试


Most of us would consider a close friend somebody we could call in a pinch. But if you, like me, have a romantic partner or live close to family, you might rarely find yourself in a pinch that requires a friend. I recently had to undergo a minor medical procedure and my husband wasn’t able to go with me. “Why don’t you call one of your friends?” he asked me the night before, naming a couple of friends who might be available. I didn’t have a good answer. Sure, these were pretty good friends, but were we medical-procedure close?

不要等到有大的困难时才想到朋友。下次,当你有小事需要帮忙(一个工作上棘手的难题,或需要人来协助一次生日晚餐)时,可以借此测试朋友的可靠度。这种测试的风险很低,同时也能帮助你们进一步建立亲密的关系。

When I posed this situation to Dr. Levine, his suggestion was simple: Take them for a test drive. “Ask for help even when you don’t need it so that when you truly need them, you’ll feel more comfortable reaching out and you’ll have a better sense of how they will respond.”

He suggested that the next time I had an issue — a tricky work situation or I needed help coordinating a birthday dinner — I should go out of my way to lean on a friend. Not only is this a low-risk way of testing how reliable a friend is, it also builds closeness. “When we give someone a chance to show up for us, we pose an opportunity for greater bonding and closeness,” Dr. Levine said.

5. Accept that closeness isn’t one-size-fits-all

5. 记住:亲密关系因人而异


I asked the same question of everyone I interviewed for this article: How much closeness do we need? Each person gave a different answer, each of which boiled down to this: It’s not that simple.

Dr. Chen said that it varied from person to person; some of us need dozens of connections, some of us need only two or three connections, but we all need some closeness to others. Dr. Johnson emphasized that building intimate connection in our love relationships is even more essential than building it in our friendships. Mr. Miller said that it had to be the right people. Dr. Levine mentioned that being able to confide in somebody or call in an emergency is only one type of closeness, and not necessarily the only important kind.

What all of the experts agreed on was this: Intimacy with other people — whether it’s a spouse, a family member or a friend — is one of the most profound ways to be happier, healthier and calmer. As Dr. Levine said, “It’s so potent that it will work much better than any Xanax out there.”

不同的人对于亲密关系的渴求程度不同。但专家们一致认为:与他人建立亲密关系能够让我们更快乐、更健康,更平静。
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